I have you.

"All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes. So, he whispered to the sleeping boy, I have you." ~The Road, Cormac McCarthy

Some time ago I read The Road. I can say definitively that it is my favorite book. It is heavy, painful, and beautiful. I cried, out of fear, knowing that what is worth having and loving is paired with a weight of sorrow. And I didn't want that. The quote above is one that I will always reference when people ask 'what The Road is about.' It was a quote that cut to the heart of me. I knew it was true and I wanted to run from it.

Can my Ella really be almost a year old? All of those fears and uncertainties from the past seem so selfish, ridiculous, and far away tonight as I rock my very big girl to sleep. How can something so good ache so much. Because these are moments of grace and beauty that I hold to my heart. They are born out of so very many things, and the shadow of grief, the memory of ashes, and the haunt of pain loom just outside of the picture.

So, I whisper to my Ella as I lay her down in her crib tonight, I have you.