Fear.

I have been strangled by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of anger. Fear of happiness. Fear of love. Fear of loving too much. Fear of age. Fear of addiction. I am feeling sad these days, and I've been trying to process my journey and encourage myself.

So, I love watching So You Think You Can Dance. I love watching people live the dream that I knew could never be mine. I love feeling the beauty that the body can create. I love making fun of the ridiculous routines or comments with Gavin. I love that he talks about dance from an athlete's perspective and we have fun conversations throughout the whole show. And, perhaps most of all, I love being surprised and moved when I am just expecting to have some brainless TV time. This piece was part of last season, and I watched it maybe 30 times, cried every time, and still cry as I watch it now.



It also has definitely been part of my journey about discovering what is 'safe' to share with my mom, and a realization that she has no way of knowing how to 'know' or discover the adult, real me. I showed this to her, sharing that it was one of my favorites.

"I didn't like when he grabs her throat."

That was it. That was the entirety of her response.

Fear grabbing the woman's throat may have been my 'favorite' part. How often are we unaware of that happening on a daily basis? How meaningful is the ability to pin fear down if we haven't felt its grip? I thought it was a beautiful and painful depiction.

I was surprised by how hurt I was by her reaction. Now, I understand that for many people, dance is boring, literal, and linear. So, maybe that's where she was coming from. But, it still hurt.

I hope you enjoy one of my favorite routines. Maybe it will help you know me a little better.