Do you trust me?

I have been locked in a stalemate of mistrust and bitterness that allows me to not have to choose or change. In order to change I either need to say, "I'm done with You. I can't and won't trust You. I'm better off alone," or "Let's try this again. I don't know how, but I want to."

I realize that my answer to the question redefines the word trust. My answer is "No," but it is based on the fact that I do not believe that God wants the best for me. I feel that he is waiting for me to fail. Shaking his head. Frustrated with who I am. And as I look at that belief of mine, I see that it is a lie. He does want the best for me. If I can't believe that, then I need to end our relationship, and I know that isn't what I want. So I need to change my perspective.

If he does want the best, then it is out there somewhere. And I have to trust that it will come. I have to believe that the "goodness of the Lord is in the land of the living" and he will lead me to it. Or bring it to me. And I have tasted and seen.

I just have to wait, wrestle, and walk out of the tent.