Church?

What is church? Why do we go? Who is it for? What does it do?

In my journey to figure out what it is to me now, I look back at what it has been in the past:

Childhood: Something I had to go to with my family; boring; early; confusing. I often remember hoping that if my parents would just accidentally sleep in, I would be the happiest kid alive. I hated 'children's church,' AWANA, camp, and VBS. I never could remember the verses, hated playing the games and competitions, and would have simply preferred someone giving me a fantastic book and leaving me alone. I felt guilty for hating the "AC Green" devotional, confused about baptism, and annoyed with the flower arrangements on the altar.

High school: A place to go to hang out with my friends; but, still boring and early. I went to youth group for the friends, but I wouldn't necesarially say, for the 'fellowship.' So much of my behavior was guilt-induced and I constantly felt inferior. I felt emotional about spiritual things--songs, sin, the future. But afraid of what God really was.

College: Way too early, seemingly senseless because 1) I learned more in classes than in sermons, 2) the 'college group' was the same group I had class with or lived with, 3) so many people seemed to go because you 'were supposed to go to church,' and it felt rather fake. I wanted to do the right spiritual thing, but church just felt so empty.

Married, working: I am required to go by my contract, but I feel that I learn very little, would rather be with my family or work family, don't have any interest in engaging in fellowship or worship corporately because there is no intimacy. I am tired. I have no interest in offering any more of myself to something I feel to be an energy drain and, dare-I-say, waste of time. But I have this 'fear' that we need to go to church as a family or that Ella will grow up to be spiritually handicapped in some way.

I know all the answers: We go to church to keep the 'coal lit'; we need fellowship as Christians; corporate worship is a spiritual discipline; iron-sharpens-iron. But here's my deal: 1) I work with a community of PHENOMENAL people who I most definitely consider my church family. We pray, cry, and commune together on a daily basis. There is intimacy, challenge, community, and fellowship. 2) I want to learn deep, meaningful, academic stuff. I've heard all the stories. I want the history, the language, the heart. And what most often gets given in sermons is so simple, flat, and 'life lessony.' 3) I have fantastic intimate friends. When we meet for coffee on a workday afternoon or scramble to eat lunch after giving make-up tests, we share epiphanies, tears, concerns, prayer, and heart.

Let me simply give my version of what it means for me to 'go to church': To scramble to get my family out the door on time yet another morning of the week. To have my daughter in the care of constantly-changing people. To try to sing and to sit through songs I don't know and don't like. To hear a sermon that I've heard multiple times, that tells me how to 'be better,' understand 'why,' or that tries to make me really understand how much Jesus loves me. I then have to 'fellowship,' in other words, see acquaintances with whom I make small-talk while feeling anxious and guilty for just wanting to head to the car. By the time we get home, half the day is gone, and we desperately try to relax in order to recharge for Monday.

Now, don't get me wrong. I follow Jesus. I know I am helpless on my own, a fallen human who is justified only by God's own sacrifice. I try to lean into him on a daily basis. I want my daughter to grow up knowing she is a stranger in a strange land, searching for truth, and full of longing. But does Sunday morning church create any of this?

I do know that I am angry at God for a number of things, and I suppose that is a blog for another day. I know that, of course, that colors my view of this subject. But I also know I've always battled with these things, and they aren't new. I've just stopped feeling guilty about them and want some answers.