A Mother's Heart

"Everyone knew the mother of Jesus was named Mary, and that she'd seen suffering of every kind. That she was strong and constant and had a mother's heart."~The Secret Life of Bees
Kelly (and any other English teachers)--I don't have the book with me--so I cannot correctly parenthetically cite this reference. :)

One of the things I fear most in life is pain. For most of my past I've found myself shaping almost all of my actions around the avoidance of pain. I am an expert at avoiding conflict (just ask my husband). I insulate myself by not caring, and therefore avoiding the pain of failure, but, in the meantime, also the joy of success. In general I've lived life with a "I want you to want me, but I want you to leave me alone" motto--whether it be people or jobs, school, or even hobbies.

And then I became a mother.

As a protestant Christian, I did not grow up with the Mother of Sorrows. I grew up with the image of a ''teenage" Mary, forced by God to be seen as a whore, loved by Joseph anyway, and pretty much forgotten about following Jesus' birth--or maybe after she found Him preaching in the temple. (Okay, perhaps that is a bit dramatic--but basically, I never thought about Mary in any kind of liturgical, honoring way.)

In a series of email conversations with my own mother following Ella's birth, she signed one "with a mother's heart, Mom." A mother's heart. And I thought of Mary. She had seen suffering of every kind, remaining strong.

Whenever I read the Christmas story, Luke 2:19: "Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart," has always stood out to me. She listened to all of the miraculous signs and wonders that the shepherds had seen, all of the praise of her newborn son, and stored them away. Would He ever remember the midnight feedings, the way He stuck out His tongue, the mewings and coos on those first few days? No (okay, removing the idea of the whole divine thing and the philisophical discussions of omniscience :)). Mary had those to treasure. Those to remember in her old age. Those to weep over as she watched Him writhe on the cross.

Looking into this idea further, the same phrase is also used when Joseph and Mary leave Jesus at the temple (would you have forgotten the Son of God!? I like to think I most certainly would not have) and return to find him teaching. After somewhat scolding His parents, Jesus 'submits.' And, in Luke 2:51, "His mother kept all these things in her heart." I see an image of Mary simply enjoying every moment, every stage, every age of Jesus--in this case as He becomes a young man.

While I pray that I will never know "suffering of every kind," I do know that I am strong. And I am stronger because I have opened my heart to pain and suffering and because I am a mother. I am strong and I hope that Ella will see an example what a woman truly is.

I hope that my memories of her nursing in the night, the way her hair smells, the unique little things that she does with her hands, the way she will not let her dad out of her sight, and all of the treasures stored in my heart will be relived as I watch her try on wedding dresses and nurse her own children, and not as she suffers the agony of death.

A mother's heart. Full to aching of joy. Love and potential pain. All worth it more than anyone can articulate.

Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death. Amen.